Where is my time?

Sometimes I think there are only split seconds during the day when I am doing something that I want to do. The rest of my time is spent trying to accomplish impossible tasks dreamed up by someone else.

I can never get anything done that I want to do---that is a given. But the really messed up thing is that I can never get anything done that anyone else wants me to do either.

I am the very picture of frustration. Much of this rant is because of work--yes. But the rest of it has to do with home. There is no time for anything fun. There is just work and exhaustion. There is sleep but not enough.

There are things to clean. I have to clean them. I clean them and they are already dirty by the time I'm done cleaning them. Why bother? And its never good enough. Why is that?

Why is what I do not good enough?

So here is the question: Why bother doing anything? Someone will just tell me I can't do it right anyway.

I am. Does anyone have a problem with that??

Can I have a moment? Can I be for a moment? Can I just be, anymore?

I twist myself into some pretty uncomfortable positions being the obligatory me. Why do that here?

For the next little while, I am going to post about what I want to do and be. I am going to write about myself.

Today I am rebellious.

Anyone out there with me on this?

Back to work!

I went back to work today after being out for only 2 weeks. I want my nap now but other than that I am pretty good. I hope it stays that way.
I drove to work and that was pretty scary. Its tough when you don't know how fast you are going or how far away everything is. I just kept telling myself, "I can do this, I can do this" over and over. But it was awful. I hope I can get home ok. I don't even want to try to drive in the dark.
I am just going to try to get to work and back every day for a while and then slowly try other things. I know the way to work and don't have to think to hard or make too many decisions. Its very strange but sometimes (a lot really) I can't tell where I am in relation to anything else. That sounds so bizarre but its true. Imagine being in a building that you have been in before but not knowing at all how to get from a room on one end of the building to another. Every way looks the same and you can't project yourself moving out of the space you are currently in. I am doing fine in the office but I am not going to walk into the plant without someone with me. I am disoriented enough.
I am glad to be at work and I am glad to be doing my job again. I am watching myself though. Everything gets worse when I get tired and I tend to get tired suddenly.

No Third Gentamicin Injection

WOW! The doctor decided that since I was so sick last week, the balance function in my left ear is probably destroyed already. So he chose not to do a third gentamicin treatment and wait and see what happens. My hearing hasn't been affected adversely yet. The gentamicin probably wouldn't have made me sick again and it may harm my hearing. My balance isn't too bad right now so I am adapting.

I am rejoicing that I didn't need a third injection and if I never get vertigo again, I never will. This may be the end of it. I am hopeful.

So, can I plan my wedding (and the rest of my life) now?

A day of lucidity

Today is the first day since May 2 that I feel like a human being. It took all this time to recover from the 2nd gentamicin treatment. But I have a 3rd injection tomorrow. I don't know what to expect from it but I am feeling a lot of dread.

I am glad that I could wait til I felt better before having my next treatment. I think this is working. I have not had a true vertigo attack since I started the gentamicin.

I am letting myself imagine a normal life again. I have been praying and envisioning myself better. It will happen.

How many days of this?

The gentamicin is working and for that I am thankful. I guess I didn't realize this but if I never got dizzy that would mean that the gentamicin hadn't been able to get to the part of my ear it needed to get to. So the fact that I have been so ill means that it is working!

I don't like to be sick but this time it is good for me. How backwards it this? I am just going to have to put up with it.

I am going to try to to some work from home today. I can still use the computer, obviously. I just can't walk or drive too well!

Hey, mystery reader(s), if you are reading my posts about Meniere's please feel free to comment. I welcome your input.

Dizziness has set in

The gentamicin has affected me finally. It hasn't gotten any worse but it has been constant. I am just unsteady and queasy. I am ok though.This is what was supposed to happen. I guess it just took two shots.

I dreamed I was driving really fast down a curvy mountain road. I kept driving off the road and coasting onto the grass. Then I'd get back on the road and just keep driving. Around and around. So I am dizzy even when I am asleep.

I don't know if I am ok to drive for real though. I think I will stay put.

Second Gentamicin

I had my second gentamicin treatment this morning. It was not bad and so far, I am not dizzy. Just a bit queasy. It was like Fresca shot into my ear again but it didn't hurt. The tube was already in place so it was easy.
The doctor said its possible that I may not need any more if I manage not to have vertigo for two weeks! That would be the most awesome. I was really sick and I don't want to be anymore.

Gentamicin Eve

Well I still have not gotten the dizzy reaction. I have been trying to find out if this is normal but so far no one can define normal when Meniere's is concerned. Dean thinks the doctor meant I was going to keep getting injections til I got the dizzy reaction. Then I would compensate with my other ear. They would have worked if I stop having vertigo.
I can't remember what the doctor said because I was so sick at the time.
I have met some nice people at the menieres forum. They are full of information. The trouble is that everyone's experiences with this is different. So what might happen to one person may or may not happen to another.
I am not as nervous as I was last week. But wait til I am in the car on the way to Charlotte. I see Dr. Stephen Gold. He is straightforward and competent. I have a lot of respect for him. I have to remember to ask more questions though.

Not dizzy...still

Well--I am still not dizzy. So I am concluding that the first gentamicin injection will not affect me before I go back for more on Friday. I am letting my guard down a little because I know I just have to get through another day before I am back in his office. So I have had four and a half good days.
What a blessing! Every freaking second that I don't have vertigo is astonishingly wonderful. I can have confidence about normal things like walking across a room. One day last week I was in an IHop and wanted to go to the ladies room. But it was way across the room. Dean had walked me into the restaurant by holding my hand and balancing me. But I just could not ask him to walk me to the ladies room in front of a bunch of lunchers. So I had to wait. Now that is just not acceptable.
I have slowly been able to focus on more of my duties at home and at work. Its good to know that if I start a project I will be able to finish it. A sustained Meniere's attack truly stops you in your tracks. Nothing gets done, and you don't care because it is more important that the world stops spinning before your eyes than to put a dish away for example. And there is no point to putting something in the oven if you don't know if you will be able to take it out again--without falling in!

When will the dizziness strike?

No reaction from the gentamicin...yet. I feel like I am waiting for a bomb to go off. But I guess I may not be dizzy with just the first injection. It may take several.
So is it working? I have no idea.
Its also hard to explain to people who ask me how I am. I say I'm not dizzy. They say that's good. Then I say no its bad. I am supposed to get dizzy so I will know the gentamicin is working. They just look at me like I am standing on my head. I shouldn't have told anyone I was getting them.
Other than feeling like I am waiting for the moment of doom, I am ok. I have not wanted to do much wedding planning though. Once I calm down about the Meniere's, I will get back to work in earnest. As far as I know, most of the big stuff is all set up. I have to decide on exactly what is happening during the ceremony. And what music will be played. We are having problem getting a live person to sing or play on the holiday weekend. So we will probably have recorded music during the ceremony. That is not great but at this point the less fuss the better.

Oh I wish I could distract myself from the ear thing. I have been working on the wedding program. I like that. It distracts me. Its one of the things I can focus on.

I joined a Meniere's forum. The posts still scare me but I figured I may post something someone is interested in some day. So far I have just read.

Hey tinnitus! Shut-up! People are trying to think around here.

Like Fresca

Well the Gentamicin treatment hurt. I can't lie.

The doctor discussed my options: Gentamicin, endolymphatic sac decompression and vestibular nerve section (vestibular neurectomy). I chose the gentamicin because it is non-surgical and is 90% effective.

Then he went ahead and gave me my first treatment. I was scared to death so I just wanted to get the first one over with. He numbed my ear by injecting an anesthetic into my eardrum--that was awful, awful awful. I thought that was it. But he was just starting. He put a tube in my ear-like they put in a child's ear. Then He injected the gentamicin through the tube. It was like having fresca poured into your ear! It fizzed and it sounded just like liquid pouring down a funnel. Yikes.

But now that the tube is there he will just have to put the gentamicin in, no more shots in the eardrum I hope.

I feel pretty good today--just really tired. I have not been dizzy or had vertigo. The doctor said there will be dizziness after 3 days when the gentamicin has had a chance to work. I am not looking forward to that but if it means it is working I will look forward to it.

It feels good to have done something to help myself. I can actually feel hope.

Take that Meniere's! HA, HA and fooey on you!

Wedding Preparations Continue

I haven't posted for a long time because all of my spare moments have been spent preparing for the big event. It will be 1pm July 5 at First Baptist Church in Kings Mountain. It is only one afternoon but for some reason preparing for a wedding can take years. Its like organizing the Olympics or something.

So I have been buying dresses, picking theme colors, making favors, choosing and sending invitations and many many other nutty tasks. I don't know what I will do when it is all over. I guess I will spend time changing my name to Welch.

In the midst of the frenzy I have also felt the effects of the progression of Meniere's. I have vertigo attacks nearly every day. If you have never had one, you would not ever be able to imagine what it is like. Let's just say it makes you only care about making it stop.

Briefly, it is like this. I am going to write about it once and then that's it. Promise. First there is an odd feeling that I am receding from the world. I am going backward in space as if someone has wrapped a rubber band around my waist and is pulling me back and down. Also- it would be like going down the tallest part of a roller coaster-backward.

Then everything I see starts to spin counter clockwise. If you spun yourself around rapidly for about a minute you would see what I mean. The spinning is so dramatic that it is impossible to focus my eyes on anything at all. I absolutely can't read when this happens. My ear screeches its own special vertigo siren(Chain saw with coffee grinder accents).

The top of my head feels weighted. So if I move it I feel like it is going to tip over. So I don't want to even move my head. I sweat, my pupils dilate and sometimes I throw up. (Sorry-that was gross) but I need to get this all out, so to speak.

I can't walk without staggering. The cats run for their lives because then think I am going to step on them.

This lasts for hours. It happens several times a day. Antivert sometimes works but sometimes it doesn't.

So Thursday I am going to the specialist in Charlotte who will probably give me Gentamicin injections. A series of these injections should deaden the vestibular nerve from my left ear. This should help with the vertigo.

So that is it. My description of Meniere's vertigo.