Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Domestic Bliss

I spent Saturday cleaning the kitchen. I had intended to do this properly for the last 3 months. It was tough but satisfying. Dean says it hadn't been cleaned for 7 years. I think he is exaggerating.

Now that it is clean I am actually cooking and eating something other than frozen pizza. I feel better. Its funny how food affects your mood.

Its a new start. Tomorrow I get groceries.

A little mundane? Yes and thank God for that. Normalcy. Domestic Bliss. I love it.

Oh. One more thing. Is anyone reading this? If so feel free to comment. Otherwise I feel like I am talking to myself.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Cashews, Cake and the Deathly Hallows

Over the last week or so it has been a food fest at my house. On July 21 I made a Red Velvet cake for Dean for his birthday. We ate Pizza and watched Little Miss Sunshine. Then we ate cake and Moose Tracks ice cream. A perfect night before the birthday celebration.

On July 22--his actual birthday--we went to the Cheesecake Factory and ate chicken Marsala and chicken Madeira. Then we had cheesecake. I think I have had enough food.

So now I am back on my lowcarb routine, trying to rid myself of all that poison sugar. I eat cashews, meat and cheese. I drink water and tea with soy milk.. I should do a fast but I get all strange when I don't eat.

Such a fascinating blog. Oh well. Last Monday night I bought the new Harry Potter book and read non-stop til Saturday when I finished it. Anyone else done? What did you think?

I loved it but I am really easily entertained. I am not a critic anymore. I like everything.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Old house-New House

Sold my townhome on Monday. I have never felt such a sense of relief in my life. It was as if a weight that had been flattening my whole mind and body had suddenly been lifted.

I expanded.

As I drove home I was both inside and outside of my car. Floating along. I was a part of the road and the sky and the trees. The usually drab scenery looked bright and colorful. I was in a Vincent Van Gogh painting. Can one have an out of body experience after selling a house?

Selling a house certainly causes a person to pull up roots. I am rootless. (Easy there about my blonde hair) Maybe the sense of expansion was my body and soul becoming unrooted. Unanchored. Untethered. Alright enough already.

So now I am sharing expenses with Dean. We have cut our individual expenses in half. I believe the knowledge that I could actually finally afford to pay my bills, eat and save money was enough to create a fundamental shift of my inner and outer being. I have not had any sense like that since 1993.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

New York Joe

My young nephew Joe went to New York City this weekend and I wanted to just quickly express how happy I am to have my nieces and nephews. I love them all and I am sure I could write endlessly about each one of them.

I always imagined the wonderful adult my little red haired nephew would make. He was smart, sensitive, funny, funny, funny and earnest. He took care of his younger brother William. And then when Lily and Thomas arrived he took care of them too. Then when my sister Kathie passed away Brianna joined the family. He became a great cousin to her.

It is so fun to imagine Joe in New York. But it is even more fun to imagine myself in New York. Watching him and his vanguard from DSI on the stage of Saturday Night Live.

I am imagining Joe. You keep imagining too. I love you.

Nerve Block?

Really. I had a nerve block today. And just in the nick of time. I am closing on the sale of my house on Monday. I am totally ok with that. It is time. I am on-board with my plans with my boyfriend (now that I understand the plan. I think I am just a little slow about these things. I am a bit socially delayed. More about that in another post I am so sure). My long ago received emotional wounds are healing. My chronic pain in the neck had to go too.

I have had neck pain from osteoarthritis since 1999. I took celebrex for a while but I got the feeling it was not a good thing so I quit. Then drugs like celebrex and vioxx were found to be not good at all. So I was relieved about that. But the chronic unrelievable pain continued.

I tried chiropractors. The treatment restored and maintained my mobility. I go once a month and have since 2002. It took until 2005 to be able to turn my head independently of the rest of my body.

I tried acupuncture. I relieved the pain very short term but my insurance would not pay for it.

I tried muscle relaxers. They are basically just tranquilizers that relax muscles and make you not care about the pain.

Tylenol, advil, capzacin, glucosamine, and herbal creams all provided temporary relief.

The pain is a burning, prickly constant pain that starts in the left side of my neck and extends up through the base of my skull to behind my jaw and ear. It also wraps from my neck down around my shoulder blade and to underneath my arm. It is nerve pain. It only goes away when I am asleep. It is maddening.

I finally went to a Pain specialist. He immediately scheduled a Facet Joint Injection and got me a TENS machine. He wrote me a prescription for Ultram. I had a Cervical Facet Joint Nerve Block at about 930am this morning. I had to be sedated and I was given 12 injections of an anaesthetic and a steroid. I am still a bit groggy and sore. But I can still type.

So yes. Its time to let go of pain of all kinds. I have made some giants steps.

Over the last 3 years I have read hundreds of books and have watched several movies that have completely changed the way I think and the way I see the world. Some of the books were "Ask and it is Given" (Esther and Jerry Hicks and The Four Agreements by (Can't remember author...but I will and add later). Some of the Movies were "What the Bleep do we know?" and "The Secret". Thanks to Deb Benton and her glorious book club in Gastonia, NC.

I discovered the concept of "pain specialist" when I read Newsweek earlier this year. It was an article about how the horrific wounds experienced by the soldiers in the "war" in Iraq was prompting new ways to treat physical pain.

In previous wars soldiers just died.

I don't have a physical wound from a war. An emotional one maybe.

My pain specialist has helped me. Thank you Dr. Herman Gore (also in Gastonia NC.)

I imagined the man, the sunporch, the life lessons, freedom from old emotional pain and freedom from the great big pain in my neck.

My beloved boyfriend took me to and from the Dr. and waited on me all day. After 10 years of having no one to take care of me this was profoundly wonderful. Thank you Dean.

Must go to bed now. Hope to wake with even less pain and even lots more joy.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Brave new We

I signed the Offer to Purchase and Contract to sell my house.

I feel a cold wretched emptiness accompanied by a warm euphoria. My arms are shaking and I am a bit short of breath. Such anxiety over a common act! Selling a house..big frakin deal. But it is me and I have already admitted being cranky. Now I must admit to being just a bit too sensitive.

I am happy to be selling my house. It is a relief to let go of a burden--a mortgage--and still have a place to live. My anxiety comes from letting go of MY home. I am living in my boyfriend's house after 10 years of living on my own, alone. Even though he has done everything he can to make me feel welcome, this is a drastic change for me.

It is a drastic change for him too. He has been living on his own alone in his house for 7 years. And he invited me, my 2 cats and all my earthly possessions into his house. I still don't know why he consented to this.

What a sweet, brave man.

My life has improved since I moved in with Dean. Every day is colorful and varied. Before I met him my days were sterile and cold. I spent my at-home time completely alone. Now there is a warm electrifying We. Like a new independent entity. The "We" decides what to do now and in the future.

This "We-ness" is growth. I embrace the brave new We.

Uproot and touch up

My townhome is now under contract. So the house I struggled for 10 years to buy is now being sold. Background: I moved into my boyfriend's house 3 months ago.

Even though I knew this was the plan I am still in shock that my house is not going to be mine anymore. Everything in my world even looks different. The trees, sky and even people look different to me. Kind of super colored and shiney. I may be having a hallucination produced by a combination of fear and relief. There are definately more good results than bad from this change. I just can't sort it out right now. But I bet my shock will turn to relief soon. More later. I must work now.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Were there two Mondays this week?

Monday was Monday. Tuesday was Friday. Wednesday was Saturday. Thursday was Monday. Friday WAS Friday. And now its Saturday again.

I am not going to complain about having a day off on the 4th of July--or any day. But when the day off falls on a Wednesday it feels like I have had two mini work weeks and now I am twice as tired. Just when I was adjusting my delicate self to getting up early and being coherent at my job on Tuesday, it was time to have a sweet day off.
Then Thursday was just as jarring as a Monday usually is. I dragged my ass around till the end of the day. And so did everyone else.
Some people had spent the 4th out of town and had made 2 hour drives in from who knows where in the early morning. I know it sounds impossible but they were crankier than I was. My mind was foggy--strangely foggy. Anything that had made sense on Tuesday was nonsense to me on Thursday because I had had a day of just being myself and not my "work self". My real self tries to be relaxed and not too analytical and critical. I hear my relatives and friends groaning at that last comment.
So lets just talk about that for a moment. I am cranky. I have always been cranky. And you know what? I am probably always going to be cranky. I try not to be. I am aware that I snap sometimes. I have an edge. I snap when I am hungry and tired. Or when someone does not allow me to finish my sentences.
Well, back to my very interesting story about what happened this week.
I still can't figure out how to add people to my blog. I only know two other people who have a blog but that's enough, right?
Work. I have done a lot of different things for a living. I am sort of adaptable to my circumstances. I get bored easily (a cranky trigger) and I seem to have to move every 2 years. Even if I just move from one place to another in the same town. I gotta change my scenery or I go a little nutty. I have moved 12 times since 1995.
Thank God I have not had as many jobs. I have worked for 3 large companies during that time. One in California, and 2 in the Carolinas.
My current job is as a Research Analyst. I have to find out stuff, organize it, look at it and draw conclusions about it. What I find out is used by basically everyone who changes their car's oil, air, fuel or transmission filters. Sounds important. Oh the responsibility of it all! I am sure I feel as much stress as the President of the United States, or the Queen of England or well one of my cats when he is trying to get me to feed him. Everyone "works for food". It doesn't matter if you have a job that grinds you into the dirt or thrills you to your core.
My job does a little of both. I think it is the best job I have had though. All is well. More about that later.
The sunporch is not sunny yet today. But I am happy to sit here again. It is a little damp but cool and pleasant. I have only had one cup of tea and nothing to eat. Crankiness will set in if I don't feed the caffeine demon. And the low blood sugar monster. Must drink tea. Must resist sugary breakfast cereal. Butt fell asleep while writing this.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Another day, another attempt to cram more crap into my brain

I spent half of my day at work actually doing my job and the other half trying to figure out how to have a blog. I think I have read a million Help files today. But I still don't know how to blogroll.
I suppose I should be patient with myself because I am trying to build pathways in my mind that have never existed before. Imagine, people over a certain age grew up without computers. I only dreamed of doing some of this marvelous stuff when I was younger.
When I was 22, I was writing a MA thesis on an electric typewriter. I had done all of my research by reading actual books. It all sounds pretty primative now. As I was doing this work I knew there had to be an easier way. There were "Word Processors" but they were attached to some mainframe computer that took up a whole floor of a building. And only certain people were allowed to use them. It took another 12 years for me to be exposed to the joys of Word and Excel etc.
I was amazed when VCRs and CDs were created. Its easy to watch movies and listen to music.
I watched as PCs became real but I was not computer literate until 1996. I was 35 years old! My neices and nephews where tiny children then so I guess I have had as much experience with computers as they do. Funny.
So family, how do you do a blogroll??? Help!!

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

What I See

I see a myself. I am on a sunporch. It is what I have wanted for a very long time. My indigo sea is pale and almost flat.
A day-off morning is the time I can quiet my mind and not worry about everything in the world. So I am here. Watching the calm moment from my wicker chair. Listening to the crickets and the birds. Seeing the sun shine on my grey cat's coat. Hoping the neighbors can't see me in my nightgown through the screens.
The yellow cat joins me on the porch. The grey cat jumps off my feet. His warmth gone, I feel the cool of the day on my bare ankle. There is a stirring inside the house. A ripple in the indigo. Time for a second cup of tea.